I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
