I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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