I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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