Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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