I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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