it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
