I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I could make wine with my vomit
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
