Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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