apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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