This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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