Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
