Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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