chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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