I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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