false alarm. still invincible.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
