I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
