everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
