did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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