you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I know her cup size but not her name....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
