Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
