i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
