Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
