He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
