I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
