The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I can't turn off my feet"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
