Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
