Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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