Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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