Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
