Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
