Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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