ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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