made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
