When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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