a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
