dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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