This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
