T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize