Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
