but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
