There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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