Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
