no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
