So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He shit in the fireplace
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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