Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
