note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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