she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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