Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
