Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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