the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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