If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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