I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize