I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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