Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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