I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
