So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
