She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
